Thursday, April 24, 2008

I've never felt this stressed...

I am experiencing an unbelievable amount of pressure. Never in my life have I felt this forced to the edge. I'm sitting now, looking over at a half inked Batman page, and it's just looking poor, poor, poor. All I can think about is how I have a flat book layout due at 2 p.m. tomorrow which I haven't been able to start because of this batman page, and the 3 assignments for work that need doing cause they've sent me an e-mail asking if I'd made any progress since last time. Also in my e-mail was a reminder that the senior film I have been kept from by other classes and obligations, is wrapping up in 4 1/2 weeks, and I feel awful that I've been able to do so little on it thus far, ESPECIALLY since she worked so hard on my senior film last quarter. I really feel just awful and terrible and crummy about my lack of dedication to that film, and I have no one to blame but myself, but even accepting the blame isn't enough, because if her film doesn't hit deadline, it's partially my fault (though I'll feel as if it is entirely my fault - I should be working on her stuff, not mine). I've still not recorded final sound for my film, or added shadows, or been able to do a final clean-up pass. My girlfriend has been under an unbelievable amount of stress with family related deaths/sicknesses, which has in turn transfered stress over to me. I still have a handful of projects to finish for my portfolio to strengthen it, and all I'd like to do is sit in open model sessions this Friday to bulk up on the 50 pages of figure drawings that are due at the end of the quarter for penciling and inking. I've yet to do any of the reading this week due to 3 or 4 other projects for my online art history class, and I have test due before Friday, and I'm rather sure a rough draft of a research paper due before Sunday.

When you know that you can't possibly do you best work in order to hit deadlines, not only do you suffer mentally, but when you hit critiques in class, everyone just thinks your work is bad, when it's simply a matter of priority. So you shake it off, knowing you're doing the right thing - putting your attention where it matters, but the harsh criticism lingers, because you blame it on lack of effort. When in reality, you're working harder then ever before.

This is not real life. How can it be? I'm not trying to make excuses, but it's honestly not fair. Life isn't fair, I know, I know - how can it be, but I'm just feeling freaking abused right now. And I'm getting no sympathy, which again - awww, poor baby. Suck it up, right? But I'm reaching the breaking point, and I'm gonna need to start making some serious decisions and commitments to certain things and let the rest of the chips fall where they may. I hate, hate, HATE that idea - not trying or even attempting certain things in order to hit deadlines of other things, but I honestly have no choice. My career as a professional, industry artist FAR surpasses my career as a college student.

Well, time to face my rushed and messy comic page in hopes I can touch my flat book before it's due later today.

No comments: